Wednesday, February 9, 2011
when life's too short to do what you're told ...
Been thinking lately, actually …
Was listening to Charice’s Did It For You earlier and found a line which is quite meaningful actually, wondering what’s that line? Well, it goes like “They say that the ones you love are the ones you hurt the most.” And actually, I kind of agree with it, cause you know, you can make them proud of you and at the same time, disappoint them. It’s just the matter if you were to realise that sooner or later. That made me reflect actually, I know it’s very rare of me to sit down and think about what I’ve been doing and how it has been impacting other people. Like seriously, it may indirectly affect other people without you realising. So yeah, a lot of things were put to consideration and finding an answer to each doubt, it’s not easy. It takes time for you to find the answer, but with determination, you will be able to find out the answer.
If you were to ask me, am I happy? Well, I’m just going to answer that I’m happy but deep inside, I’m not. I’m like a lost puppy looking for an owner. I may put on a strong front, but I’m actually fragile, once broken, it’s hard to put the pieces together. If you were to ask me if I have any problems, I’m just going to lie by saying that there’s nothing going on. Because when I do, people will be like, everyone has problems, your problem is not like the biggest, and there are other people with bigger problems than you. And that’s the reason why I like to keep things bottled up. I may not be perfect, but what makes you think that you’re oh-so perfect? And that is why I always mention, if you don’t like something that I do, it’s better that you voice it out. I may not like whatever I’m hearing but at least I know that you are trying to reach out for me, and I appreciate it, a lot, literally, because at least, I will know what’s on people’s mind and will try my best to change and never ever repeat it, again.
Times change, people change. You like it or not, you have to live with it. There’s nothing you can say, but there’s something that you can do, which is be yourself and not be like some poser. It’s easy to be someone else, but being you is way easier. Everything is already penned down. You just have to choose which door to open. And those doors are called decisions. The decisions you make will have its outcome. Some of them will have rewards and some of them, are just decisions that you wished you never made that decision at all! Because at the end of the day, you will learn something and that’s life! It’s just too short to do what you’re told. Sometimes, it’s best to step out of your comfort zone and be curious at something. People will be there to judge your every movement but you are the one going through it. People will guide you, but ultimately, you will make that decision that could possibly change your life.
Actually, I thought that the New Year will bring some good things and for the past month, it’s just disappointments after disappointments. It’s like I’m pressing the wrong buttons at the wrong time! And seriously, it’s just annoying! When I do something right, people will say that I can do so much better than that, and when I do something wrong, people will start criticizing me like it’s the end of the world! Seriously, I have no time to please any parties because when I make 1 party happy, the other party will be giving me that black face which I don’t really want to see. Actually, I should be pleasing myself as much as possible and not really think about other people more than I think of myself. Now, that’s something that I should work on. You like it, then thank you. Don’t like it, just pack your things and go. I may lose a friend, but there will be ten more people wanting to be my friend. Not trying to sound arrogant here but it’s the fact! I hope that things will change for the better as time goes by, because I would like to see someone proud of me for something, and that person happens to be the person who gave me life! You think I like it to see her face disappointed at me like every time? When I try my best to make her at least be proud of me of something, something else crops out and I end up disappointing her more than I’m supposed to make her proud of me. I know that she’s proud of my sister, who has to work abroad to feed us. And getting money from her, I actually feel bad. I’m 17 and I’m still depending on someone? It’s about time that I stand up and support myself. I know that it’s her duty but I seriously don’t like it. I’m sure the money given to me every month can be put to a better use, like my mother. She is the one who needs it more than me. I don’t mind going hungry for days, as long my mother is happy, I’m happy. I don’t want her to see me suffer any longer. I can just easily come home and pretend nothing is going on, just to make sure that she is not worried about me, but every mother can tell if her child is going through something. But I don’t want to share things with her. She has her own set of problems, if I start to tell her, it’s just going to burden her more, and I don’t want to see that. She has suffered enough. It’s time to let her mind be at ease. But here’s the thing, I don’t understand why none of my siblings are seeing this? They think that I’m just burdening them when I’m just leading my own life, myself.
Sometimes, I don’t think I’m 17. I think I’m in my twenties or thirties, fending for myself. Why? I don’t think I’ve led a happy childhood. It’s like I’m forced to mature myself up and think like an adult. My family is not like those happy families you see on TV. When I’m out, I see other people with their siblings very closely together, always spending some time bonding. Not being selfish here, but I know that they have their own lives to take care of but sometimes I wish that we can actually spend time together like that. And when will that ever happen? Very rare, I tell you. Even sometimes during Hari Raya, there is at least one person that is not here to join us celebrate. And don’t bother mentioning cousins or aunts and uncles. You know why, we don’t mix around much with the rest. So when there is a family gathering, I think my phone is like my best friend. I don’t really talk to my cousins much, like literally. And it’s a bit shameful to say that I don’t really recognize my cousins that much. So if I were to see them on the roads some day, I may just think that they’re just some ordinary strangers, and when the family gathering comes, I will be like WTF? Have I seen you somewhere? You may be wondering why but it’s been like that since young. Well, my mother prefers to keep things to herself, and that’s why she doesn’t really like her siblings to interfere with her personal matters. I think I got that part from her, like seriously! She often reminds us that when the time you need your siblings the most, they will be there to condemn you, without caring about your feelings. And when you’re a bit better off, they’ll come to you and treat you like one of them. I mean seriously? Is this what you call family?
And then, of course, come school. I think it’s about a month since I’ve been in ITE and a lot of things had happened. Don’t really want to mention much actually, because it’s going to make me think of what has happened. I seriously thought that you know, people in ITE are actually more mature than Primary and Secondary school kids, and boy was I wrong, like BIG TIME! In fact, they are actually more childish than kindergarten kids! Okay lah, not all but some, so please don’t get me wrong. Is not that I don’t like my current class or the course that I’m in but sometimes I actually wonder why I did not work harder for N’s or why did I actually choose this course, because I’m just killing myself. I’m already terrible in maths and the course I’m in, uses maths! At the very least, this course uses physics more than mathematics and technically, I love physics a lot! So, at least there is an advantage. Sometimes in class, when I actually answer a certain questions, everyone will look at me like I’m some genius when I’ve learnt that in secondary school. I understand that my class is mostly students from the NT but that does not mean I look down on them, because I admit that I’m a slow learner as well. But I decided to practice more and work harder. No one in this world is stupid, is just you want to put in effort and work hard or not. Come on! You think those Express students or those in JC are smart when the textbook is not there? They are just like us, but instead they are able to pick things up faster than the rest. And seriously, I’m still trying to adjust myself to ITE life. At least in secondary school, your starting time is fixed and in the afternoons it all up to you. But in ITE, the starting and ending timings are not fixed. You will get breaks that can last for 4 hours! And the teachers there are actually quite slackly. Especially that laser teacher of mine. Only know how to entertain himself than to teach students. If you want to teach the students, then teach. Not ask students to open some software, which NOT every single computer has that particular software and do something on that particular software! And when you ask to teach something, you start to say that you know everything and you will teach later, and give students breaks because you’re hungry?? Then after the break is over, another teacher comes in and just mind his own bloody business and let the students do whatever they want. We students come to school for a purpose, which is to study. If want to give breaks and don’t want to teach, might as well shut down the school. Waste resource for what? And why waste student’s time travelling to school when that time can be put in to do something more constructive.
I really wish that airplanes in the night skies are like shooting stars! I could really use a wish right now.
Well, let’s hope that things will get better in the future
I will try my very best to update this oh-so-dead blog whenever I can. Well, this is it. Ciao!
22:59
